(Volume II: Paris)
(Volume I: Berlin)
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the totality of a blankness which once was full (2024)
I sit across from Grandpa. / He will die soon, so / friends and family are present, / but we are left alone for twenty minutes. / Nana instructs me to tell him / stories of my time abroad. / I begin, but as I speak, / my words feel disconnected and unimportant. / I watch them exit my mouth as half-hearted attempts / at connecting with my grandfather, / floating up above us before being extinguished / by my lack of enthusiasm and / his inability to fully comprehend them. / Speaking of my time away feels foolish / sitting with someone on the edge of life. / I’m so afraid of what will be lost soon, / I ask him to tell me about his travels./ 0.44 “You want me… 0.45 to tell you… 0.47 about mine? 0.49 How can I do that?” 0.50 His voice is shaky and small, / his eyes foggy, brows furrowed. / He repeats himself. / 0.57 “You want me… 0.59 to tell you… 1.01 about mine? 1.03 How can I do that?” 1.04 I try to encourage him, desperate / for his memories to continue on as my memories. / 1.11 “How can I do that? 1.13 You want me… 1.14 to tell you… 1.16 about mine?” 1.17 It’s his dementia being triggered. / He is confused. / 1.22 “How can I do that?” 1.23 I’ve upset him. / 1.25 “How can I do that?” 1.26 His voice cracks. / 1.28 “How can I do that?” 1.30 Like a caught record. / 1.31 “How can I do that?” 1.33 My guilt compounds. / 1.35 “How can I do that?” 1.36 Nana walks in suddenly, pausing / whatever small eternity he is caught in. / Inside myself I shudder, ashamed. / I tried to take memories from someone / lost within themselves. / My attempt at salvaging a past from his / escaping mind increased in him / a realization of his loss. / The totality of the blankness which once / was full scares us both. / I hug him goodbye and it is. (2024)
I sit across from Grandpa. / He will die soon, so / friends and family are present, / but we are left alone for twenty minutes. / Nana instructs me to tell him / stories of my time abroad. / I begin, but as I speak, / my words feel disconnected and unimportant. / I watch them exit my mouth as half-hearted attempts / at connecting with my grandfather, / floating up above us before being extinguished / by my lack of enthusiasm and / his inability to fully comprehend them. / Speaking of my time away feels foolish / sitting with someone on the edge of life. / I’m so afraid of what will be lost soon, / I ask him to tell me about his travels./ 0.44 “You want me… 0.45 to tell you… 0.47 about mine? 0.49 How can I do that?” 0.50 His voice is shaky and small, / his eyes foggy, brows furrowed. / He repeats himself. / 0.57 “You want me… 0.59 to tell you… 1.01 about mine? 1.03 How can I do that?” 1.04 I try to encourage him, desperate / for his memories to continue on as my memories. / 1.11 “How can I do that? 1.13 You want me… 1.14 to tell you… 1.16 about mine?” 1.17 It’s his dementia being triggered. / He is confused. / 1.22 “How can I do that?” 1.23 I’ve upset him. / 1.25 “How can I do that?” 1.26 His voice cracks. / 1.28 “How can I do that?” 1.30 Like a caught record. / 1.31 “How can I do that?” 1.33 My guilt compounds. / 1.35 “How can I do that?” 1.36 Nana walks in suddenly, pausing / whatever small eternity he is caught in. / Inside myself I shudder, ashamed. / I tried to take memories from someone / lost within themselves. / My attempt at salvaging a past from his / escaping mind increased in him / a realization of his loss. / The totality of the blankness which once / was full scares us both. / I hug him goodbye and it is. (2024)